Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and almost not recognized the person staring back at you? As my summer slowly comes to a close, I’d say I could relate to that notion – and in a good way actually. Midway through the summer I was looking at old Instagram posts of the previous school year and sort of sat there in bewilderment. I could recall how I felt in those capturable moments; but in comparison to the girl staring at the screen, I was different now. I felt that in my bones, in every part of me. Being the sometimes over-contemplative person that I am, I had to take a moment and really look at my life. Why did I feel so different? I was quick to recall all that I had brought with me into the summer (emotional, spiritual, and physical baggage that is). But in a matter of weeks, it was all gone. I felt free for the first time in my life, my fullest self. And boy, was this a deep answer to an even deeper prayer. I started the summer still recovering from a taxing year at school. I had started intensive courses to prepare me for student teaching, had taken on a new challenging job, and just worn myself out in ways that I didn’t even think were possible. I usually know how to handle work; it’s something I learned at a young age. But this kind of exhaustion was different. It kept me from fully living. So take a grueling year of school, combined with personal problems, spiritual stretches, and a Maria that still deeply struggled with fear of rejection – what do we have? Quite a mess. So when I started my second summer working at Beulah Beach Camp, I had a lot to deal with. But I was ready to be done with it all. I was ready to lay down an Ebenezer (shoutout Bethany Bell) and move on with my life. I wanted fullness, I wanted to be free from seeking the approval of others, which in turn sucked me into a dark feeling of loneliness that I knew wasn’t what God wanted for me. I was desperate. I even heard God saying to me, “You haven’t experienced your fullest self yet because you’re captivated with the thoughts of others. Listen to my thoughts, not theirs.” It was a breaking point for me; I had realized that I kept seeking the solution in the problem. Loneliness meant I didn’t feel like I belonged, so to belong I must get to know people more. Right? Wrongggggggg. For so long I had relied on the approval of others to fuel me through life. I was good at doing what was right; from an early age I saw that it made people like me more, so I let that become my focus. But I was tired of this dictating how I felt about myself. I can’t tell you one specific moment when it all changed for me, all I know is that it did. Jesus kept drawing me in closer and closer, allowing me to love myself because He was satisfied with who I was. I didn’t matter if I felt like no one else was. He approved of me. Whether it was an intimate sunset, a night swim, building sand castles with campers, heartbreaking joy during worship, or the stillness of the water in the morning – He caught me and I wasn’t letting go. And now I can say that I feel free. Free to be myself, free from fears, free to worship in spirit & truth, free to let myself go, free to enjoy the things I know I love, free to be captivated by trustworthiness of scripture, free to hope beautifully for the future, and free to encounter the Presence of God no matter where I go. So this is what it feels like to be fully alive? I'll take it. “This is the will of God for you: your freedom. Uncompromising, unrelenting, indomitable freedom. For this Christ died. For this he rose. For this he sent his Spirit. There is nothing he wills with more intensity under the glory of his own name than this: your freedom.” –John Piper. |