It's been about 2 years since I moved home from college. I was reminded of this cosmic shift of life as I re-read a blog I wrote 2 years ago that lamented the ending of some of my most epic years of life.
My response to these moments is to reflect and compare how different life is now versus then. So here's what I've discovered:
1. I'm a One on the Enneagram - an idealist seeking to perfect every element of the world; to right every wrong; to fight every battle. This then results in a ravenous inner-critic that nitpicks my every move. It's hard to be content with who I am at any given moment.
2. My top Strengths Finder is "Developer" which I have seen play out quite magnificently as a teacher and co-leader of a bible study. This connects back to my One-ness on the Enneagram ("...what on earth is she talking about?") in that I am naturally wired to walk aside people in helping them develop their strengths and gifts - to be their champion.
3. If you're into Meyers Briggs, I am a newly discovered INTJ. Mind-blown that I'm an introvert (but also SO true as I sit here joyfully secluded at a coffee shop hiding from the world around me). I prefer solitude, am very sensitive to my external environment, open-minded & curious, prioritize logic over emotion, and I value clarity.
4. I deeply love photography and have started to pursue some professional side projects.
5. I am drawn to the mystic way of faith - i.e. all those old priests and theologians that rock the contemplative pursuit of God.
6. Anger is my root sin + I deal with quite a bit of inner turmoil because the world isn't perfect and no one around me is perfect either (including myself).
---
Okay. Information overload. Seems like I've been learning some pretty monumental lessons as an almost-24-year-old. But you know what? It has become a drug. And I'm hooked.
I'm addicted to the pursuit of knowledge - the pursuit of knowing myself so deeply so that I can find answers to solve all my flaws that I've prodded at relentlessly.
Like most addictions, it was a slow moving monster. It has lightly clouded my life for the last two years. I didn't realize this was such an issue until I realized that self-discovery actually wasn't helping me at all.
I was moving at such a fast pace, expecting God to catch up with me. I read book after book about prayer, the enneagram, finding true selves, understanding wisdom - you name it. I was hooked on the feeling I had when I felt I was making progress with myself.
Now, I know that is a natural gift and motivation for me. But what I'm learning now is that I have swung too aggressively to the wrong side of the pendulum. My biggest strength is now acting as my greatest weakness.
Ever heard of the concept of Lordship? (thanks YWAM fam) Essentially, it's the spiritual discipline of continually surrendering elements of your life over to the Lord when He starts to see that they are rising above Him. When things rise above Him, I lose sight of my truest self & start believing a lot of lies. I felt this nudge from Him while having two different conversations with two great friends of mine this week.
I recognize my unhappiness with life right now and it's because I am constantly moving, moving, moving. Trying to fix and change, while never stopping to celebrate all that God has done in me. I see Him standing way behind me, yet I still hear His gentle, firm voice. "Stand still, Maria."
I don't really know how to do that. I don't know how to NOT keep moving, to NOT keep learning, to NOT keep developing myself and my world. But I feel that in order to remove this idol from my life, I need to make changes these changes. A fast of my fast-paced life.
Even in this moment I feel so wound up -- because I feel subconscious guilt for not moving at the pace the world and my inner false self has set for me. But I'm choosing to rise against that inner-critic and rewire my ears to the Perfect Voice.
It is time that I take more time to listen, more time to sit still, more time to give myself to others around me. If Jesus is the Lord of my life, I will learn everything that I need to without even trying. The season of self-preservative, self-discovering Maria is coming to an end and I think this will be my biggest leap yet.
What's yours?
My response to these moments is to reflect and compare how different life is now versus then. So here's what I've discovered:
1. I'm a One on the Enneagram - an idealist seeking to perfect every element of the world; to right every wrong; to fight every battle. This then results in a ravenous inner-critic that nitpicks my every move. It's hard to be content with who I am at any given moment.
2. My top Strengths Finder is "Developer" which I have seen play out quite magnificently as a teacher and co-leader of a bible study. This connects back to my One-ness on the Enneagram ("...what on earth is she talking about?") in that I am naturally wired to walk aside people in helping them develop their strengths and gifts - to be their champion.
3. If you're into Meyers Briggs, I am a newly discovered INTJ. Mind-blown that I'm an introvert (but also SO true as I sit here joyfully secluded at a coffee shop hiding from the world around me). I prefer solitude, am very sensitive to my external environment, open-minded & curious, prioritize logic over emotion, and I value clarity.
4. I deeply love photography and have started to pursue some professional side projects.
5. I am drawn to the mystic way of faith - i.e. all those old priests and theologians that rock the contemplative pursuit of God.
6. Anger is my root sin + I deal with quite a bit of inner turmoil because the world isn't perfect and no one around me is perfect either (including myself).
---
Okay. Information overload. Seems like I've been learning some pretty monumental lessons as an almost-24-year-old. But you know what? It has become a drug. And I'm hooked.
I'm addicted to the pursuit of knowledge - the pursuit of knowing myself so deeply so that I can find answers to solve all my flaws that I've prodded at relentlessly.
Like most addictions, it was a slow moving monster. It has lightly clouded my life for the last two years. I didn't realize this was such an issue until I realized that self-discovery actually wasn't helping me at all.
I was moving at such a fast pace, expecting God to catch up with me. I read book after book about prayer, the enneagram, finding true selves, understanding wisdom - you name it. I was hooked on the feeling I had when I felt I was making progress with myself.
Now, I know that is a natural gift and motivation for me. But what I'm learning now is that I have swung too aggressively to the wrong side of the pendulum. My biggest strength is now acting as my greatest weakness.
Ever heard of the concept of Lordship? (thanks YWAM fam) Essentially, it's the spiritual discipline of continually surrendering elements of your life over to the Lord when He starts to see that they are rising above Him. When things rise above Him, I lose sight of my truest self & start believing a lot of lies. I felt this nudge from Him while having two different conversations with two great friends of mine this week.
I recognize my unhappiness with life right now and it's because I am constantly moving, moving, moving. Trying to fix and change, while never stopping to celebrate all that God has done in me. I see Him standing way behind me, yet I still hear His gentle, firm voice. "Stand still, Maria."
I don't really know how to do that. I don't know how to NOT keep moving, to NOT keep learning, to NOT keep developing myself and my world. But I feel that in order to remove this idol from my life, I need to make changes these changes. A fast of my fast-paced life.
Even in this moment I feel so wound up -- because I feel subconscious guilt for not moving at the pace the world and my inner false self has set for me. But I'm choosing to rise against that inner-critic and rewire my ears to the Perfect Voice.
It is time that I take more time to listen, more time to sit still, more time to give myself to others around me. If Jesus is the Lord of my life, I will learn everything that I need to without even trying. The season of self-preservative, self-discovering Maria is coming to an end and I think this will be my biggest leap yet.
What's yours?